ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS (Revised)

Thank you note with smiley face , isolated on white

I am in the last days of my university life, my Architecture degree, and this life hasn’t been easy. Five years that make up most of my academic life, were supposed to leave beautiful memories and a stronger, more professional version of me. That’s what everyone says, but that is not the case. When I open up my box of memories from the past five years, I come across hardships, struggles, fights, depression and an overall feeling of “not belonging”. I come across face to face with a wrong decision, a wrong choice of professional degree.

The first two years were spent in the feeling that this is all difficult and if I keep trying, I will acquire what it takes to be good in this field. The third year was the year of downfall, realizing the fact that I am in a wrong place. Not just academically but also in terms of people. I thought that being a very shy and introvert person, people didn’t matter but it turned out that people mattered the most. I never found the right people in this place. I can say that me and my fellows, we never found ourselves on the same wavelength. The fourth year passed, accepting the hard reality and coping with depression and health problems due to it. It also included, leaving the people, separating myself from those who were toxic for me. Then the final year, there was only one hope, I hanged on to this whole year that this is going to end. I thought about quitting a lot. I hit rock bottom not just once but several times during the past three years but each time I got up for my parents and my past, the past in which I was good at what I did. I couldn’t just quit, that is not an easy job, also I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, who had invested time, money and love in me. I told myself to just complete this degree, the least I can give them is a degree that says I completed my studies, answer to many questions that would be asked, a safe haven from what would have happened if I quit.

So, finally the end is near, the date of my final jury has been announced. I can say I am able to see the silver lining now. Few days ago, I had to submit my thesis report; final year thesis report. The final years has two semesters, the first semester is research based and the last semester is design based. The same report was submitted in first semester too, but I was so detached to add an “acknowledgements page” in it. In this semester, however, I did add the page. It comprised of only two lines, in which I thanked Allah Almighty and my family; Baba, Amma and my brother. I couldn’t write more because somehow anything that is related to university causes my senses to cease. Everything is more of a labor than a simple task. The mental state is more of a panic and worry than of achievement.

But here I want to acknowledge. I want to thank. Here, this place that has become my refuge.

First I want to thank Allah, for everything that I am doing is because of Him. He has been giving me strength, every time I hit rock bottom, He has been listening to my prayers and the prayers of my loved ones. I have had this “change of heart” which is allowing me to go through these last days. It has allowed me to not quit , to carry on, to finish. This strange strength that He has given me is allowing me to keep on moving. I want to thank Him for the strength and for everything that He has blessed me with.

I want to thank my father; Baba. Baba you have been a great driving force during these years. I want to thank you for this time but more than that I want to thank you for all the other times. Our talks, walks and laughter shared together. For all those lessons, that you give me, hoping that I would absorb at least 50 % of them. I do absorb them Baba, more than 50%. All those lessons about life have become a part of me, some consciously and some unconsciously. I want you to know that I maybe a failure in this part of life but I will not fail you at life and the life here after. I will make you proud by living life how Allah wants us to. I will keep your name alive by living by all the little rules you always thought to be important. I will make sure and do my very best to not fail at life, and most importantly what comes after.

I want to thank my mother; Amma. She is the perfect woman with all her imperfections. Amma you may not be able to understand the technicalities of my degree but you have always wished and prayed for me with pure love. You have a huge heart and so much love inside you and that is reason enough to be thankful for. You pray for me and get me through roughest of days with your unconditional love. Your love has been a great support and no one will ever be able to take your place, neither will your cooking. Thanks for cooking me all my favorite meals whenever I was down and taking me out and for simply being there.

I want to thank my brother, who has always been a great friend and support. I know I can always count on you no matter how much things get difficult. I know you would be there just like you always have been.

My best friend Sadaf.I want to thank you for listening to my whining, handling my mood swings and making me feel better. For saying “you can do this, it’s only 3 years”. “2 years”. “Just one year”. “Hey it’s ending only 6 months”. For counting-it-down with me. Most importantly for providing me with a friend when I literally had no friend in university. For growing up together and becoming bad ass together!

My college group because that is the best group of friends I could ever ask for. You guys are the best support and best way to have fun.

Those are all my thank you-s. I never thought I would do this but I would also like to thank my University life, these past five years. I never thought I would ever be able to see the light. I literally lost belief in silver linings and positive-ness. It all became a cliché for me, just a lame way to get past hard times. But now I see it. I have always been a runner, an avoid-er. But surviving these years has taught me to stand and stay for the important things during difficult times. To fight, to hang on, to appreciate all the “good” amidst all the “bad”. Because there is always “good”. Sometimes it comes naturally. Sometimes you have to fight for it.

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Letter to my Panic Attack

Dear Panic Attack,

Not-so-dear Panic Attack,

I have been wanting to tell this to you since I had my last panic attack a few days ago. First, let me ask you, do you like it this way, torturing people, setting in slowly and then coming in with full force? I had a whole week of passive panic-y state and then finally you attacked me with all you had. It took me four hours to calm myself from the initial blow, and then several more hours to function normally.

You’ve really got some talent. I have to admit. The way you start to build up in the pit of my stomach, and  slowly crawl your way upwards, all the while increasing the deathly tingling in my body. I have to use up all my energy to manage the fierce grip of your claws clenching at my stomach. You think its not enough and go ahead and increase my heart rate, resulting in labored breathing. Then I slowly lose control over the rest of my body and am unable to do anything. I can’t focus. I can’t function. I can’t breathe.

On the top of it all, you are the most absurd thing that can ever happen to a person. When you are done, when the person comes back to his senses, you seem the most senseless. When you have successfully managed to make a person surrender to his fear, waste his precious time, which he could have used to actually come over the fear, you walk away. You walk away with a smirk on your face, leaving behind; loss. Loss of time, trust, confidence and calm. You walk away leaving a guilt that you came only to go back, but while you stayed, you managed to bring chaos. That you could have been managed.

Now, that you are gone, I am writing you a letter in a hope that you would learn that you are an unwelcome guest. That you would learn  I would learn to slam the door at your face whenever you come knocking at my door. I would not let your claws take a step inside. I would not let you take over my senses. I would manage.

There are no good wishes for you, they are only for me!

Panic-stricken fool.

Yaay.. Another Nomination!

I got nominated for the Liebster Award *yaaay* :).

Liebster

 Three people nominated me i.e

CONFUSEDANDCRAZILYCURIOUS

Rantings of A Third Kind

The Blog of Karthi

A big BIG Thank you to these awesome bloggers. They are all great and have their own unique way of showing their creativity. Go check  them out !

Now the rules of this nomination:

  • Each nominee must have under 200 followers.
  • Thank and link to the nominating blog.
  • Answer their 10 questions and propose 10 new ones for your nominees.
  • Nominate 10 blogs and tell them that they’ve been nominated.
  • Write a post containing the questions.
  • Include these rules in the post.

As for the questions, I have 3 sets of questions so I am choosing 10 out of them(wohoo I got a choice :P):

1.Why did you start your blog?

I have been writing my whole life. Diaries, thoughts, inspirations and some fiction too. I never thought that I could reach out to people but now I wanted to, partly because I wanted to do something that feels right and writing feels right, and wanted to gain my confidence back.So, I started writing a blog.

2.What book are you reading right now?

Deception Point by Dan Brown.

3.Which one would you choose- a life without internet, or a life without TV?

Life without T.V

4.What is one of your favorite quotes?

” All you can di is be brave enough to get out there.

You fought. You loved. You lost. Walk Tall” – Grey’s Anatomy.

5.What is your strongest personal quality?

I am good listener.

6.When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?

Just sit back, relax and observe the peace, simplicity and all the beautifull complexities nature has to offer.

7.What is your greatest fear?

Humiliation.

8.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I am worrier. I don’t want to be.

9.What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Hypocrisy.

10.What is your current state of mind?

Mostly peaceful because its my day off. Just a little grain of worry sitting at the back of my mind which is going to grow as night sets in.

Phew* that was kinda difficult…

Now, my list of questions..

  1. Did you always know that you were going to write ?
  2. A personality trait you want to change in yourself?
  3. What do you feel most confident about?
  4. What is your all time favorite book?
  5. Which person do you cherish the most in this world?
  6. What are the things are you thankful for in life?
  7. If you had a super power, what would it be ?
  8. Your idea of a perfect holiday?
  9. Where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
  10. What do you want to do as a professional?

The nominations are:

COUCH POTAHTO

BEYOND BEIRUT

Simply Maequessa

TJUNLEASHED

ICECOFFEECOUTURE

creakingbones

ISLAH

Minutes of English

LIGHT BULB MOMENTS NARRATIVE REASONING

Rantings of A Third Kind

Thanks again!

Cards, Photo Albums and a Share Box.

Day Twenty: The Things We Treasure

Today’s Prompt: Tell us the story of your most-prized possession.


dd

A McDonald’s share box. It comes with a family deal. Now it holds my treasuries. Little trophies of memories those are dear to me. Just thinking about the deal takes me back to the day, I had this dinner with my family. Two Big Macs, a MC Crispy and a MC Chicken, I being the Big Mac lover would obviously get it and other members would manage accordingly, Heck! They were having this McDonald’s dinner just because I had to have this new deal. They were doing this for me.

Sitting on one corner of the shelf mounted on my room’s wall , it reminds me of the times, with my best friends,sharing our favorite meals . It reminds me of the all the reasons over which we bonded. A box of memories. It is a home to greeting cards, Letters and Photo Albums.

It contains different things I have received throughout my life. Eid greetings, Congratulatory wishes., Birthday wishes, Friendship promises, Get well soon-s, apologies, letters and some wrappers. Each of them, a representative of some fond memory. Then it contains Albums containing pictures of my childhood, family gatherings, school trips and college hangouts. Stills of some of the beautiful memories of my life, I never want to forget.

Now, when I see the various Eid cards, it takes me back to the childhood when exchanging Eid cards was a big deal. Everyone would give each other cards before the holidays, even the friends who were not very close. I haven’t seen most of those people after leaving school, a few I see after a year or so,and one has become an essential part of my life now. I love giving cards to my friends because it is an easier way of expressing my feelings. Words are friendly to me when writing, while speaking, well, that’s a different story. I have several friendship cards, almost all of them from my best friend, they contain some promises, some apologies and some expressions of pure love. All these cards remind me of all those people with whom I have spent good times.

Then there are letters. I have done correspondence in the form of letters with one friend, my childhood buddy who shifted to another country for four years. They remind  me of our childish hand writings, stupid confessions. my life here and her life there and basically growing up together but through letters.

There are also some wrappers in it. Yes, some wrappers which come as a result of a childhood tradition. Its called the “Red Wrappers Day”. Exactly one day before the Valentine’s Day two of my friends at school shared a KitKat and one of them asked to save the wrapper. Out of blur, that moment turned into a promise that we will always wish each other on this day and if possible gift something wrapped in a red wrapper. I don’t know what was it, innocence, stupidity, or the weight of the feeling that school was soon going to end, we all promised and followed the tradition. A friend made sure to send us the gifts wrapped in red wrapping papers, hence the wrappers. After seven years it is now limited to a “Happy Red Wrapper’s Day” text message each year but it is still something to hang on to.

Last thing left are the photographs. They are from different phases of my life, Childhood, school and college until finally it all became digital. Don’t get me wrong I have trillions of photos saved in my computer, some more in my Dad’s old computer, they keep increasing but these albums hold a place just slightly above the digital ones.

The childhood pictures remind me of the innocent, less glamorous times. Some of the people are not in my life anymore like my Grandma. Those pictures also contain my childhood home, the place where I was born and spent the initial eight years. I will always love that house more than any other house. There are pictures of family outings, school trips and college days. Some people are still a part of my life some are just a memory. But I have pictures to relive those times.

These are my treasuries, my prized possessions. Each one of them is a portal to a beautiful memory. I don’t regret any of those memories. They are a reason to smile, a welcomed distraction. They fill my heart with nothing else but warmth.


Final post for Writing101. I enjoyed this thoroughly and I am going to miss it. Thank you all those who read and appreciated. You all are great. Also, yaay for my longest post till now 😀

The Voice Inside

Inside the deep cavity in my chest, A voice lives

Over time it has become a part of me

A conscious of my unconscious

Every now and then it pokes out its head

Showing me its calamity stricken face

It likes to resurface

On days when gloom prevails

And the hollow becomes deep, a few more inches

Sometimes on random-est of days

when that sorry-pit is temporarily forgotten

It likes to remind me

That I’m still trapped

It says, “Let me go”