I’m afraid of losing you

Alan O'Rourke via Flickr
Alan O’Rourke via Flickr

You don’t know how difficult it is for me. Losing you is inevitable.I know I have to learn it but, every time you begin to fade away, it causes my heart to flutter.

You don’t know how afraid I am of losing you, bit by bit, my 100% charged  phone battery.

Just some lame scribbling 😛 😀

But hey! a charged battery is precious! 😛

We can keep living like this

Shawn Ganz via Flickr
Shawn Ganz via Flickr

We can keep living like this

tortured minds, cold hearts

Perceiving assumptions

Assuming perceptions

losing ourselves

in the obvious; oblivious

love, fading away

We can keep living like this

on day to day basis

doing and talking;

only the necessary

Ignoring what we can;

when we can

We will keep living like this

what’s sad is

we don’t have to

but we will

what’s sad is

it could have been different

What’s Next?… the dreadful question.

What’s next?

I have been asked this question a lot these days and I don’t have the answer.
Why have I been asked this?

Because I just graduated as an architect. So they ask me are you done with your studies? I say yes. Then they ask what are you going to do now? And I don’t know what to say because I know what they want to hear. They want to hear that I am going to get a job now, gain experience and build my career as an architect. But I don’t say that because I don’t want that.

Why do I don’t a want that?

In simple words, I don’t have the confidence.

I have shared it once before in my post, ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS(Revised), how the five years of my university life have been the toughest. I have been a very good student in my school as well as college, I worked hard and I got the reward for that and I got the appreciation for that. But then in university things started going downhill.

At first I thought it’s because I have opted a different field and I’ll learn everything eventually. But I didn’t get better. At least not as good as I wanted to be. So I started getting depressed. Even then from time to time I tried to pick myself up and try harder but somehow my 100% was always 60, 70%. By the time, I realized that I had chosen a wrong field of study for myself, I was in the third year and I was stuck. I couldn’t leave, no matter how much I wanted to and I had to complete it. I got really depressed and lost all of my confidence. I have never been a very confident and outgoing person, but now I lost even the little I had.
In the last year, I took writing more seriously and also started writing this blog which helped me a lot to deal with low feelings and complete my degree. I completed my degree. I didn’t quit.While, that is an accomplishment I don’t feel accomplished.(That doesn’t mean I am ungrateful to Allah because only HE got me through that difficult time.)

So, now, when I say I want to stay away from architecture my friends try to tell me that I should work, it would change my thinking…
It took a lot of time and energy to be able to stand on my feet again and keep standing, I have not been able to walk yet because the standing is taking all I have in me.

I am afraid that I am going to fall down again and I don’t want that.

So, yes, I don’t want to work and I don’t want to make a career in this profession.

They tell me that if I won’t do anything I’ll become dull and depressed. I don’t know why people think that if I do something architecture related only then I’ll be doing something useful.

I say that I am not becoming dull, in fact, I am doing things that I have been wanting to do for a very long time now. But always saved them for another day because I didn’t have the time or I was too depressed. Most importantly, I am writing.
This is something that’s keeping me sane. This is something that I am enjoying. Isn’t that what matters? I plan to take this to a bigger level. I know that I have just taken the first step and there is a long road ahead, but I am willing to keep walking. I am willing to fall down and I am willing to get back up. I am ready to take the challenges and handle failure. I know I will not succeed if I don’t fail first.


I got an email telling me that they decided to pass on this certain essay I sent them for publication. Got a few more emails like that one. It didn’t hurt at all because I know that it is a long process. I am willing to go through it and I am enjoying it. I have also started to take criticism like a big girl. I am not the person who laughs at her mistakes I sulk and sulk and run on the slightest bit of attack. One of the reasons I couldn’t be good in architecture.

But now I am learning to take criticism positively. It sure hurts my big ego at first, but I sleep on it and try to work on it the next day and it turns out good for me.
I have come out of a lava mountain and people want to know if I’m going to jump off the cliff or into a turbulent ocean next. I say, no, I want to stand here and just let everything sink in. Let go of some demons I caught along my previous journey and prepare for the next.
And not everything is vague. I know what my next is.. Or at least see it far ahead. Yeah, I have a next and that is writing.

After saying all that, a part of me also says that maybe this is all just stupid and I will never get anywhere with writing. Maybe this is all my brain’s way of keeping me sane. But whatever it is I am hanging on to it.Even if I don’t get what I want to achieve, still writing makes me feel good and I am going to hang on to that feeling. I am going to give myself time, wait and see.
I hope that I will be able to get past my fears and become strong and confident.
And one day I will have an answer. When people will ask me such questions, I will not look down or hide away, but instead look them in the eye and tell them what’s next.