What’s Next?… the dreadful question.

What’s next?

I have been asked this question a lot these days and I don’t have the answer.
Why have I been asked this?

Because I just graduated as an architect. So they ask me are you done with your studies? I say yes. Then they ask what are you going to do now? And I don’t know what to say because I know what they want to hear. They want to hear that I am going to get a job now, gain experience and build my career as an architect. But I don’t say that because I don’t want that.

Why do I don’t a want that?

In simple words, I don’t have the confidence.

I have shared it once before in my post, ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS(Revised), how the five years of my university life have been the toughest. I have been a very good student in my school as well as college, I worked hard and I got the reward for that and I got the appreciation for that. But then in university things started going downhill.

At first I thought it’s because I have opted a different field and I’ll learn everything eventually. But I didn’t get better. At least not as good as I wanted to be. So I started getting depressed. Even then from time to time I tried to pick myself up and try harder but somehow my 100% was always 60, 70%. By the time, I realized that I had chosen a wrong field of study for myself, I was in the third year and I was stuck. I couldn’t leave, no matter how much I wanted to and I had to complete it. I got really depressed and lost all of my confidence. I have never been a very confident and outgoing person, but now I lost even the little I had.
In the last year, I took writing more seriously and also started writing this blog which helped me a lot to deal with low feelings and complete my degree. I completed my degree. I didn’t quit.While, that is an accomplishment I don’t feel accomplished.(That doesn’t mean I am ungrateful to Allah because only HE got me through that difficult time.)

So, now, when I say I want to stay away from architecture my friends try to tell me that I should work, it would change my thinking…
It took a lot of time and energy to be able to stand on my feet again and keep standing, I have not been able to walk yet because the standing is taking all I have in me.

I am afraid that I am going to fall down again and I don’t want that.

So, yes, I don’t want to work and I don’t want to make a career in this profession.

They tell me that if I won’t do anything I’ll become dull and depressed. I don’t know why people think that if I do something architecture related only then I’ll be doing something useful.

I say that I am not becoming dull, in fact, I am doing things that I have been wanting to do for a very long time now. But always saved them for another day because I didn’t have the time or I was too depressed. Most importantly, I am writing.
This is something that’s keeping me sane. This is something that I am enjoying. Isn’t that what matters? I plan to take this to a bigger level. I know that I have just taken the first step and there is a long road ahead, but I am willing to keep walking. I am willing to fall down and I am willing to get back up. I am ready to take the challenges and handle failure. I know I will not succeed if I don’t fail first.

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I got an email telling me that they decided to pass on this certain essay I sent them for publication. Got a few more emails like that one. It didn’t hurt at all because I know that it is a long process. I am willing to go through it and I am enjoying it. I have also started to take criticism like a big girl. I am not the person who laughs at her mistakes I sulk and sulk and run on the slightest bit of attack. One of the reasons I couldn’t be good in architecture.

But now I am learning to take criticism positively. It sure hurts my big ego at first, but I sleep on it and try to work on it the next day and it turns out good for me.
I have come out of a lava mountain and people want to know if I’m going to jump off the cliff or into a turbulent ocean next. I say, no, I want to stand here and just let everything sink in. Let go of some demons I caught along my previous journey and prepare for the next.
And not everything is vague. I know what my next is.. Or at least see it far ahead. Yeah, I have a next and that is writing.

After saying all that, a part of me also says that maybe this is all just stupid and I will never get anywhere with writing. Maybe this is all my brain’s way of keeping me sane. But whatever it is I am hanging on to it.Even if I don’t get what I want to achieve, still writing makes me feel good and I am going to hang on to that feeling. I am going to give myself time, wait and see.
I hope that I will be able to get past my fears and become strong and confident.
And one day I will have an answer. When people will ask me such questions, I will not look down or hide away, but instead look them in the eye and tell them what’s next.

callie